If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
the liver wants what the liver wants
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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