i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize