i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
