the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Randomize
