Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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