I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
