If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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