I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
