Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
