Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize