The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
