Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
