Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
