Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
