So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
