I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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