seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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