my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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