So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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