I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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