Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
