In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
