you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
