my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Is Oprah even human
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
