Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
