We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
