I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
