sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
