carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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