dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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