I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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