I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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