you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
