the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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