I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
