Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
