I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
