everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
