Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
