Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
