People in love make me want to vomit
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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