I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
