chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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