The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
