you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
