I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Jerry, you need to find god
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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