Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
