Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
