Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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