I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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