I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
