: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
