just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just saw a hot homeless man
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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