Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
