He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
