Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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