This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
