found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
