so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
