So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
