I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
