He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
