Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
God gave him joint rollers for hands
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
